Lately, I’ve been examining some of my conversational patterns. Once in a while, I get sucked in to discussions with people that my instinct told me to avoid in the first place. I blame this on a possibly naive belief that most if not all conflicts can be resolved through discussion.
I recently had a conversation that, minutes later, left me baffled and exhausted. It seemed at first that the subject was innocuous enough and that it couldn’t possibly escalate into more. It did. When I thought I was listening closely, this woman thought I was reading too much into her words. When I responded in a matter of fact way, she thought I was missing the nuances. When I expressed that I understood where she was coming from, she countered that I did not. When I asked questions to get a better grasp on what I might have missed, she provided vague answers.
Perhaps, I should have listened to my instinct.
This conversation clearly went nowhere. A few minutes of precious time evaporated, enervating me and leaving me just a tiny bit leery of diplomacy. For a brief moment.
I later chit chatted with the same woman about lighter things and in the process, restored my belief in the power of conversation as a means to promote peace.
An optimist is the human personification of spring, so says Susan J. Bissonette. It is spring and I am, after all, mostly an optimist so, I’ll take that, Susan.
I realize that I want my conversations to amount to something. I’m open to talking, to listening, to being challenged and to being proven wrong about my dearly held beliefs (at least I think so). But I know that in order to come to an agreement with someone, my openness, no matter to what proportion it reaches, will not compensate for the other person’s lack of it. She/he also must be equally open and willing to give diplomacy a chance. And vice versa.
Following is my reflection on the art of conversation:
We all have something to say.
We all want to be heard.
We each have a point.
If we disagree with the point, we then have a counterpoint.
But beyond point and counterpoint,
There is a sea of baggage that obstructs the path to agreement.
There are preconceptions that prevent us from comprehending the other side.
There are blinders that blur our vision to meet eye to eye.
There is noise that plugs our ears from hearing.
There is conviction that insists on being right.
There is trust and doubt, battling it out.
Still, beyond point and counterpoint,
There is a heart that’s beating.
There is a pulse that’s throbbing.
There is a rhythm that’s thumping.
There is a recognition that’s stirring.
There is a connection that’s burgeoning.
There is the possibility of partnership that looms large, if only we give it a chance.
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Do you believe in the power of conversation?
Do you engage in conversation with people whose views differ from yours? Is there any value in doing so?
In a difficult conversation, are sturdy answers as or more important than searching questions?
Have you ever been transformed by a conversation?
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Image by NomadicLass
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
Covey shared some key insight — empathic listening is the most important communication skill we can master. It’s not about listening until you think you heard what the other person has said. It’s listening and echoing back until the other person *feels* heard.
What happens then, is the other person then is more likely to listen to you fully, because they feel heard. When they don’t feel heard, it’s like fighting for air.
It’s simple, but insightful, once you focus on whether the other person *feels* heard.
An interesting technique for staying out of arguments is to stop making statements, and only ask questions. Again, it’s simple, but it’s effective … especially if you ask the right questions.
You have made a very valid point about openness. One thing we must all realize is that different individual has different degree of openness and understanding this point will certainly make the conversation more meaningful and constructive. Even when views are different, we can learn much from each other’s view. With this openness, conversation can be very enlightening.
I love a good conversation. It’s the only way I’ll learn to get along with people in general. You see, humanity scares me and I don’t see much of a future for us as a species… but when I talk to someone one-on-one then something strange begins to happen. I start to listen to them as they articulate from who they are, and begin to appreciate that they are alive and that I got to meet them. I would say that it’s a humbling experience, but I don’t really know what humility is… but there’s still time enough to learn if I talk to enough people, right? 🙂
Very well done article. You pointed out one of the most important factors of communication, our filters. Though there was still a small point worth looking into that was left out, the effects of our propaganda culture. Our marketers, politicians, and religious leaders all know that it is easier to get someone to comply by tapping the illogical mind. Since this is the more obedient mind it is also the one that is rewarded most in our modern age. Its easy to get around this for yourself, study logical fallacies, wikipedia has a great list. As for others, let them believe as they will. Sometimes you just have to let others learn the hard way, just as sometimes we ourselves do. (and we are never sure when those times are.)
You write very beautifully Belinda. The second part of your post could be a poem itself!
I’m sorry you had to go through that part with the person you were talking to. I believe that our intuition is usually trying to tell us the right message, but we can’t always go with it every single time. You were just trying to be nice and listen to her, but she happened to take it the other way.
I think even though you guys had a misunderstanding, there can be something to learn from it. At least next time, you’ll know better how to handle the situation. Even though people have different viewpoints from us, I think those conversations are situations which test our patience, help us learn how to deal with them, and perhaps take in new ideas that may be useful for us in the future.
Great post! I do beleive in conversations. I love to converse with people on a wide range of subjects. I love when there is a conflict in the conversation, not an argument, rather two different perspectives that we can discuss. Wisdom is not in the answers, wisdom is in the questions asked. It is often through effective questioning that we can help to see a person’s perspective and to help them see ours.
Patty — I try to avoid certain conversations…the ones that are dead-ended, meaning the person isn’t open to exploring ideas, but other than that, I love conversations and about almost anything. I also love getting different perspectives on subjects. To me, conversations are a way to learn more about a subject or about a person:~)
Hello Belinda,
I just discovered your blog, it is lovely! What a wonderful post.
I’ve been thinking about this issue myself and I’ve been considering that many, many of us want conversation, but what we really want is to convince someone of our point of view. Likewise, many of us have an underlying assumption that when someone has a different opinion than ours they are trying to convince us of their way of thinking.
What if, we focused simply on hearing and being heard, instead of being convinced, and convincing others. Conversations could be very different and I think the world would be very different also.
Hi Belinda,
Good conversations are one of my favorite things in life. There is something magical about deeply connecting with another person through an intellectual conversation.
However, my style is to usually move on pretty quickly when somebody brings the type of energy that the person above had. Those conversations always seem to go nowhere. You can almost feel the resistence coming from the other person.
Therefore, I believe in the power of conversation with the right people.
Hi Belinda.
I enjoy conversation, and I am actually a lot more open to differint points of views from others than I may first give off. I think that most of my creative insights actually stem from hearing out and being in conversation with other people that have very different and most times opposing views than mine. The reason, i s because I begin to appreicate a wider spectrum of perceptions that opens up my view of the world even more.
I don’t believe there is a “wrong” or “right” in people’s perceptions, they are just simply that perceptions.
I absolutely believe in the power of conversation and engaging in discussion with people who have views different views than my own. A lot of people seem afraid to do that. I believe I can learn from others, while not sacrificing or compromising my beliefs and principles. Listening to others can be very powerful. I do, however, think that there are times to agree to disagree, as long as it’s done in charitable manner.
Thanks Belinda!
Do you believe in the power of conversation? Conversations are a preamble to coordinated action. Conversations are a way to get useful information. Conversations are a way to change a view point when egos can be kept quiet.
Do you engage in conversation with people whose views differ from yours? Is there any value in doing so? There is if I want to widen my viewpoint and we all come from an attitude of ‘is this useful’. I do not engage in conversations about right or wrong, that is ego battle and a waste of time.
In a difficult conversation, are sturdy answers as or more important than searching questions? If I do not see a win/win in a difficult conversation I will not continue, what for?
Have you ever been transformed by a conversation? Certainly, words are powerful and different views can be extremely useful.
I love conversations. They are powerful learning experiences. They mean so much more when we give and take. Taking from a conversation is how we learn. Giving in a conversation is how others learn from us. I cannot imagine it any other way.
I LOVE good conversation – stimulating discussion with intelligent points, learning something new, feeling a great unity and shared experience with others through words.
BUT I don’t have enough deep conversations with people who hold very different viewpoints. In general, my friends, my coworkers hold similar opinions. And I need to find opportunities to push these boundaries, to converse with and learn from people from different backgrounds, beliefs, values.
And your point, that you can only do so much if the other person isn’t open and willing to learn through discussion, this is so true. It’s frustrating, but recognizing this helps to realize you just can’t win this one.
Wow, Belinda – you’ve blown me away again! I LOVE this.
I believe the baggage part can be a huge piece in challenging conversations. I know I have my “blind spots” yet, like you, I feel I am willing to examine those.
Of course, there’s a reason they’re called “blind”. On occasions where a button gets pushed, so to speak, I need to walk away and reflect for awhile until I can come back to a place of balance. Balance being NOT a knee-jerk reaction.
I’ve encounter people on occasion, though, who seem so mired in their inner demons so to speak that conversation becomes very convoluted. Those are the people to be quite honest that I avoid. If I happen to find myself in such a conversation, I end it as quickly as possible.
With that said, I love your examples that bring us full circle to acknowledging compassion and our commonality as humans. Our desire to be part of.
Your blog prompted another thought in my brain – those times I find myself opening my mouth to speak something even though every fiber of my being is telling me “Don’t go there”.
Invariably, the result is not the best ever! Why oh why do we do that? 😉
Loving your insights Belinda.
Hey, I wish you could come to San Diego when Mary Jaksche comes the last day of May, first day of June. The event’s at my place and you’d be welcome to spend the night!
Hi Belinda,
Love love what you wrote. I think for me if I can sit with my son-in-law whom I don’t relate to and listen to him speak without seeking agreement, or giving my opinion or walking away needing to change a thing is a powerful conversation. The only thing I allow myself to say is tell me more.
Why would I want to try and change anyone’s opinion? We are all entitled to our own.
Another conclusion I’ve come to is all unasked for advice is verbal abuse. That sounds strong yet think about it…who needs my unasked for opinion? Nobody!
I also believe a miracle is a shift in perception. If I am not at peace I only need to shift my perception about who or what I’m at peace with. Thanks for an inspiring and thought provoking post.
Belinda,
I believe like you that many conflicts and issues can be resolved through talking and listening to each other. Main caveat is, that both parties have to be open minded and open to suggestion, without you can not go through the wall that person has put up, when they are not willing to listen at all. sad but it happens often with most of us.
This is so, so wise, Belinda. Thank you for sharing your thoughts about the truth that lies under the surface of a conversation.
Like Eva, I have very few rewarding real-time conversations with people whose fundamental beliefs are different than my own. I think that is in part a by-product of the polarization of politics and media sources in the States. And it’s actually something I appreciate a great deal about blogging. I know that I read blogs and have readers at my blog with whom I don’t share a religious background or political beliefs and we are nevertheless united by a common interest like parenting. I feel that my friendships are much more diverse now that I have this new community of people with whom to converse.
@J.D., wise words: It’s listening and echoing back until the other person *feels* heard. I hear you and will take your words with me and hopefully pull them out when I find myself in another difficult conversation. Thank you.
@BK, thank you for affirming one of my deeply held beliefs that we can learn much from views that oppose ours. Of course, often our instinct may tell us to run in the opposite direction. But I’ve been surprised a few times.
@Tony, thank you, thank you for articulating that strange thing that happens when you talk to someone one-on-one. I just love this: I start to listen to them as they articulate from who they are, and begin to appreciate that they are alive and that I got to meet them. I’m smiling!
@Justin, thanks for the compliment and I appreciate your thoughts on communication in general. I’m curious about your thoughts/feelings on asking questions versus supplying answers in relation to conversation. Do you think one is more important than the other? Thanks, as always, for taking the time to comment.
@Hulbert, thanks for the compliment! I agree with what you say here: I think those conversations are situations which test our patience, help us learn how to deal with them, and perhaps take in new ideas that may be useful for us in the future. And may I add that it would be so great if we all felt this way. Thanks for your insight.
@Mark, I’m finding this more and more true with each passing year: Wisdom is not in the answers, wisdom is in the questions asked. Great to see you here.
@Sara, “To me, conversations are a way to learn more about a subject or about a person” — I hear and echo your words. Thanks.
@Jenny Ann, welcome to The Halfway Point! And thank you for these words words: “What if, we focused simply on hearing and being heard, instead of being convinced, and convincing others. Conversations could be very different and I think the world would be very different also.”
@Greg, these words are oh-so-true for me, too: There is something magical about deeply connecting with another person through an intellectual conversation. Thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts.
@Baker, it sounds to me like you are truly open to various and even opposing perspectives. That is wonderful to hear. Thanks for sharing.
@Fr. Michael, yes, I know this about you that you are open to opposing views and I thank you so much for that. It does seem that a lot of people are afraid to engage in discussion with folks whose views differ from their own. Is it because we love to be right, want to convince others that we’re right and assume we won’t get that acknowledgment or feeling from those whose beliefs are opposite from our own? And yet, everyday, a Jew and a Christian find unity in a marriage. I’m now just thinking in print. This (our assumptions being proven wrong on a regular basis) is endlessly fascinating to me and yet we cling to our assumptions. Thanks for your comment and wisdom.
@Wilma, I just love seeing you here. The ego sure knows to show up where it’s not needed. I hope to sew these words into the fabric of my memory: I do not engage in conversations about right or wrong, that is ego battle and a waste of time. Thank you for this gem.
@Nicki, learning from the give and take of conversation. That IS the art form in less than ten words! Gracias, mi amiga.
@Eva, I was just talking to husband about my bubble of a professional and personal world. He’s active on Facebook and every now and then, I take a peek to scan various political posts that sometimes shake me to the core. I get sad seeing in print how much hatred is out there — a mere two degrees from my inactive Facebook profile — today, in the U.S., in 2010. In my small and fragile bubble of a world, I feel we’ve made strides. In the Facebook world and beyond, I fear we have taken a few steps back. Thanks.
@Lauren, thank you for the compliment! Your comments always have so much for me to noodle on. About those blind spots, so glad you brought them up because we all have them whether we acknowledge or not. As for balance, you’re right; it’s far from knee-jerk. I do what I can but frankly, sometimes, I don’t care for it when I’m in the zone, so to speak. As for people who are mired in their inner demons with whom conversation gets convoluted, yes! I can relate. Oddly, I find I stay open for them, too. And the foot in the mouth? I have found myself in a battle between instinct and logic on that one and have a post I’d love for you to read. On a complete tangent, I know nothing about an event you’re hosting with Mary Jaksch. I better read my e-mails and check my calendar! Thanks for your vivacious spirit and endless insight.
@Tess, I think you’ve boiled down the traps we find ourselves in when we engage in conversation: seeking agreement, or giving opinion or walking away needing to change a thing. We think we’re flowing with someone and suddenly, we’re armed with an agenda that has gotten the better of us. I love what you say about shifting our perception to that with which we’re at peace. I hope to remember that next time. Thanks!
@Zengirl, ah yes, we all put up a wall, don’t we? Thanks for chiming in.
@Kristen, I think you’re right that our lack of real-time convo with those holding opposing views from ours is in part a by-product of the polarization of politics and media sources in the States. I’ll add to that the politicization of everyday issues/realities that are viewed with contempt instead of compassion or at least a seeking to understand. And yes, blogging and also parenting are great ways to establish camaraderie with those whose views differ from mine. Thank you!
Some very good thoughts in there! How we choose to spend our time is…that’s just it – it’s a choice! It is also very true though, that within each person, is, a person. And that’s beautiful =)